I get emails. Oh, do I get emails. In the mountain of spam that accumulates weekly, I occasionally find a missive worthy of reply. And just like that, a new feature and category of posts here at Sigmadog was born. I call it LunchSpam, and I expect/hope to make it an almost weekly feature here on Almost Daily.

Our first letter comes from Leandra, a (one can only assume) lonely young lady from Lichtenstein, which I have learned is a foreign country. As you will see, Leandra seems to know a lot about me (the internet must be faster in Lichtenstein), and she longs for my friendship.

She writes:

Is it hard to meet you?

How’s it going cutie! (:
My friend told me about you and she also told me that there is no way to resist ur attraction %)
Oh yeah, my name is Leandra, and I really wanna to become friends!
Hit me back 🙂

My response:

Dear Leandra;
Thank you for your interest in becoming my friend. I would be pleased to accept your offer because as I always say, “a world without friends is a world identical to this one, but without friends.” So, yes, I “wanna to” become friends… uh, too. I guess.

Regarding the question “Is it hard to meet you?”, the answer is no, it is in fact very easy to meet me, provided you live in my area. For people in Lichtenstein the task is more difficult, given what I assume to be the lack of electricity, indoor plumbing, and deplorable personal hygiene standards in your fair country. Difficult, but not impossible. Just ask your friend: she seemed to have little difficulty. Speaking of whom, would it be possible for you to discreetly inform me as to your friend’s name? You know, the one who supposedly fell under the spell of my irresistible attraction? Was she the one with the lazy eye and prehensile mole? If so, please, as gently as you can, inform her that I only wish to be friends.

Ummmm, yeah, Baby!

Do you churn butter? I’ve always been curious about churning butter. Perhaps we can get together the next time I find myself in Lichtenstein, and you can show me how to churn butter. Afterwards, having built up a powerful hunger, we can then enjoy some grass cakes, or perhaps some squirrel meat. You can teach me the lore of your clan, and to gain the tribe’s trust, I will partake in a ritual test of manhood such as walking up mountain slopes while two angry gophers fight for dominance in my trousers (a feat remarkably similar to the traditional test of manhood in my land: ordering satellite TV). In short, I would love to learn all about your primitive culture.

Finally, I must say that I do not in any way condone abuse of, or violence towards women (unless they really deserve it), and it saddens me to read your request to “Hit me back”. If that’s the type of relationship you are looking for, perhaps you have the wrong guy.

That would be disappointing, because I really want to learn to churn butter.