We went to the annual Spokane Advertising Federation Awards last Saturday night. The theme was “Gold at the Grand”. “Grand” meaning the new Grand Hotel in downtown Spokane. It was a great venue, and felt, well, grand. I had been bitching about not winning any awards and wasn’t going to attend, but a late phone call from Jennifer at AdFed informed me that I did, in fact, win awards (I noted Jennifer’s use of the plural with a mental “woohoo!”). So I decided to go.
We didn’t have tickets, but Mellie Price at Global Credit Union was nice enough to offer us two seats at her table that were going unused.
Because I had been such a bitch about supposedly not winning any awards, I figured I had to make it up by breaking my wall-flower tradition and go all out with the gold theme. Mrs. Sigmadog saw this as her big chance and proceeded to whip together a gold vest and bow-tie, thereby fulfilling her deep and long-held desire to dress me like a gay juggler.
As my frequent reader knows, I can’t juggle, but I have performed some stand-up comedy. As luck would have it, that night I was like that guy in the bleachers who came dressed in his team’s jersey and hat, bearing his cherished baseball mitt, who sees the manager emerge from the dugout with the lineup card. The manager looks up and scans the stands, his eyes falling upon the fan, at whom he points his meaty finger and barks: “You! I’m putting you in tonight! Get out there!”
I was that guy, because the awards ceremony began with a technical glitch, and as they struggled to resolve the problem, the emcee, stalling for time asked:
“Does anybody know any jokes?”
In slow motion, I turned my head to Mrs. Sigmadog, a slight grin on my face and a glimmer in my eye. I looked down at my golden vest, realizing that it was fate that brought me to this moment, perfectly dressed for a performance of a lifetime, with a double shot of Crown Royal coursing through my veins and jokes in my heart. I arched my eyebrows as if to say, “They’re calling for me! It’s my time!” and as I started to rise, her response was… unexpected.
“Hell no! Sit down!”
“C’mon! I can do five minutes, easy peezy!”
“Sit down and shut up.”
That is how dreams are made and lost, folks. I’m not angry with Mrs. Sigmadog. I had a great night anyway. I won five awards. I also got to sit next to Jennifer from AdFed, who was dressed in a beautiful slinky mermaid dress. At my age, that’s about all the excitement I can handle for one Saturday night.
© 2016 Steve Merryman. All Rights Reserved.