Those who know me grow accustomed to my ways, and eventually don't even notice the odors. They also quickly discover that I love hot sauces. REALLY HOT sauces. That's what this series is about: my favorite hot sauces.
This is my all-time favorite hot sauce. Each bottle comes in a casket-shaped box and includes a skull key-ring. My current count of skull key rings is, I think, nine. I like this sauce, Bigly. But be warned: It’s hot. It’s very hot.
It’s so hot that when I watched the lava flows from that volcano in Hawaii, the one that destroyed all those homes in fire and heat, I said with a yawn, “That’s impressive, Demonic Spawn of Earth’s Molten Core. Now hold my beer.” And I grabbed my bottle of Sudden Death and a handful of tortilla chips and showed that fiery cauldron a thing or two.
Sudden Death should be sold with a fire extinguisher equipped with plastic straws (not available in California). It should come with hemorrhoid cooling ointment and a toilet seat made out of Arctic ice, or a stainless steel pipe refrigerated on the interior with coils of freon and a cone-shaped rubber top for anal cooling via insertion.
Honestly, I wouldn’t use that last one, as I consider my colon a one-way street. I don’t even allow for prostate exams. My standard line is, “Sure, Doc, you can try sticking your finger up there, but my clench is so hard I could use it to bend re-bar. So go ahead and give it a shot; you’ve got ten fingers to break, and I’ve got the time.”
But enough about what I do on the weekends…
I have, in the past, used too much Sudden Death in chili. To me, doing so is like marriage: Once is enough.
I mistakenly poured a teaspoon of Sudden Death on a taco one night and learned that my eyeballs can sweat, but only in the back, next to my brain. I swear it’s true.