What has become of Seattle?
They raised the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour.
Then they announced a new plan to inspect household garbage and impose fines for wasted food.
Now they’ve voted to no longer celebrate Columbus Day, renaming it Indigenous Peoples’ Day.
Since Seattle has clearly lost its collective mind, why stop with Columbus Day? There are plenty of holidays left to express solidarity with the oppressed, assuage your guilt, and make you feel better about yourselves.
Here are a few suggestions to get the healing started.
Valentine’s Day. The idea of love is outmoded and antiquated, and this selfish holiday propagates the idea that love is somehow best expressed between two distinct people. But love doesn’t happen in a vacuum (unless you’re into that sort of thing – I don’t judge). True love must be inclusive of everyone, especially ugly people (a group traditionally left out). We now understand that love is in fact a communal concept, encompassing the whole human collective as expressed in our shared reliance on government services. Therefore true love can only happen when the government is properly funded. To celebrate this proper understanding, Valentine’s Day should be renamed Government Orgy Day. On this day, civil servants will be available to collect your tribute in return for hugs and, well, let’s just see where it goes from there. Of course, like any other day, sex with politicians is encouraged (especially by the politicians).
To fight bullying and to accommodate zero-tolerance school Gun-Free-Zones, Memorial Day will become Peace Activist Day.
Father’s Day. No longer can we defend the Patriarchy! It was men that got us into this mess in the first place. Instead, we need a day to reflect on the heavy burden we have all paid as a result of the patriarchal lust for power, and the greed that lies inherent in the genetic code of this brutish gender. History demands a day to counter the violent, oppressive male nature we have all endured and continue to live under since the dawn of history. The Earth, Gaia herself, cries out for vengeance, pleading with us to deliver a figurative blow for justice. Therefore we must end Father’s Day, and rename it Soccer Day, a day to be spent kicking balls.
In and effort to valiantly confront our obesity epidemic, Halloween will be renamed Eat Your Vegetables Day.
Thanksgiving will be renamed Apologize To Indians Day.
In recognition that not all children are born into royalty, Christmas will be Yay Abortions! Day.
To focus our efforts on fighting climate change, New Year’s Day will be called We’re Killing The Planet – It’s Really Dying, No, Really It’s Gonna Happen For Sure Any Day Now, Day.
Hope this helps, Seattle.