This morning I received an email that was filtered into my SPAM files. I have very ruthless filters, which means I tend to get more in my SPAM box than my legitimate email box, so I’ve developed the habit of quickly checking through that folder for any real emails that may have been filtered incorrectly.
This particular email grabbed my attention because the heading was a combination of my current email address, and a very old password I haven’t used in over ten years.
Hmmm. That piqued my curiosity. The message (grammatical errors and all) is immediately below followed by my response (which I placed here instead of responding via email - DON'T EVER DO THAT! - duh!):
“I am aware XXXXXXXX is your passphrase. Lets get directly to point. No-one has paid me to investigate you. You may not know me and you’re most likely thinking why you’re getting this email?
“Well, i actually installed a software on the X vids (pornographic material) web-site and guess what, you visited this web site to have fun (you know what i mean). While you were watching video clips, your browser initiated functioning as a Remote control Desktop that has a key logger which provided me with access to your screen as well as webcam. immediately after that, my software obtained all of your contacts from your Messenger, FB, and email . Next i created a double video. First part displays the video you were viewing (you have a fine taste lol…), and next part shows the view of your web cam, and it is you.
“You got 2 alternatives. Shall we take a look at each of these options in particulars:
“First alternative is to disregard this message. as a consequence, i am going to send out your actual video to all your your contacts and thus just think about the humiliation that you receive. and likewise in case you are in a committed relationship, precisely how it will certainly affect?
“Number 2 alternative is to compensate me $988. i will think of it as a donation. as a result, i most certainly will without delay delete your video footage. You can keep going daily life like this never occurred and you will not ever hear back again from me.
“You will make the payment by Bitcoin (if you do not know this, search for ‘how to buy bitcoin’ in Google search engine).
BTC address: XXXXXXXXXXXXX etc. [Case SeNSiTiVe copy and paste it]
“If you may be looking at going to the law, good, this email message can not be traced back to me. I have dealt with my steps. i am also not looking to charge a fee a lot, I just like to be compensated. i’ve a unique pixel in this email, and right now I know that you have read through this email. You have one day to make the payment. if i do not receive the BitCoins, i will send your video recording to all of your contacts including relatives, coworkers, and so on. However, if i receive the payment, i will destroy the recording immediately. if you need evidence, reply with Yup! & i will send your video recording to your 5 contacts. This is the non-negotiable offer thus please do not waste my personal time and yours by responding to this email message.”
Well, Marinna, you certainly have quite a set of balls. But there are a couple problems with this scenario:
- I don’t have a web-cam on my desktop computer, and never did.
- I do have a laptop with a camera, but the first thing I ALWAYS do with laptop cameras is cover them up with a couple pieces of thick black tape. Why? Because I’m paranoid. It’s the same reason I don’t use SIRI, don’t have an Alexa or any other of those kinds of devices. It’s also why I don’t buy so-called “smart” appliances, and never use my phone for email or web-browsing. In fact, I’m thinking of going back to a flip phone because smartphones are overpriced and a pain in the ass. You may ask why I cover up my laptop camera? Simple. I eat a lot of cheese and I don’t trust that assholes like you won’t hack into my computer and video my various expressions as I sit on the toilet pushing out a stink pickle.
- I don’t use Messenger.
- To the extent that I ever even used that password, it’s at least ten years old, you wouldn’t get anything from it, especially not my contacts and/or Facebook info.
- As for online porn? Hey! It’s what the internet was made for. In fact, I get hot just thinking about you banging out that grammatically atrocious ransom note and… well, let’s just say that I’ve gone through half a box of tissues just composing this blog post, and I’m beat (literally!).
- And, finally, I can't even get my friends to read my blog, so what makes you think they'll want to watch a video?
So, please, by all means, SPAM everyone with your bullshit video. It won’t be me, so I don’t give a shit. Hell, I don’t even like most of the people on that list, so I’ll giggle a little just thinking about it.
But I know you ain’t got shit, and are just blowing smoke up my ass (oooh! There I go again! Such frissons of pleasure! Gonna need another box of tissues soon).
No. I’m betting you bought a bunch of emails and passwords without any context and are just fishing for men with guilty consciences. Nice try, but you’ll find no conscience here; I had mine removed years ago. I remember sitting on the couch all weekend with a frozen bag of peas on my lap where my conscience used to be… oh, wait, was that my vasectomy?
So, Marinna, there you have it. I don’t give a shit about your filthy scam, and if it’s not too much to ask, I hope you die a lingering, painful death by bowel obstruction (aka having a 4-inch rough-cut post driven two feet up your rectum by some modern-day Vlad the Impaler).
I’d definitely pay $988 in BitCoins and bring a box of tissues to that show.